February 28, 2011

Caught in the blast of winter...

I haven't had a lot of time to sit and write lately, nor have I had any real inclination. I have been busy learning yes, but too tired from it to actually share my thoughts with you. Let's call it the February blues... that thankfully end at midnight tonight! I am starting to think ahead to the summer with salivating tongue and drooling lips. I am sick of slush, ice, hats, mitts, boots, mucky floors, and other gunky things that come in the post Christmas winter. Snow is an acquaintance but slush is a flat out enemy! My house has been a construction zone, with holes and drywall dust EVERYWHERE, not to mention the tools and piles of work materials that have taken over the living space. Add to this the general worries, and the more acute worries with Josh's heart and I am finding myself at a loss for words. Frustrated, tired and just down.

A friend recently reminded me that I have forgotten to be grateful in the midst of this chaos. That I have love, that I have a home, that I have good doctors watching Josh... yes, I am certainly blessed. I do know this in my heart of hearts. However, honesty would not be honesty if I told you that I always felt that way. There are days when I don't feel grateful... there are days when I look at healthy three year old talking to their parents and enjoying life when I think to myself 'it's not fair'. There are days when I see a parent buy their kid something to eat without reading all the ingredients worrying that the wrong thing, a trace of nut or egg, could kill them or at the very least send them to the ER in a 911 situation, on those days I want to curl up and shake my fist at God and say 'it's not fair'. There are days I look at my house and the mess that it is, and feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that will need to be done to make it look normal again, and with Josh not sleeping through the night and no longer napping in the day I just feel too tired to cope with it all.

I have struggled with this, with how to write it and not come off as a spoiled brat... how to share honestly and remain transparent with you but to do so while at the same time making it clear that I do know, in my heart of hearts how blessed that I am. It's a contradiction I realize. The words and the heart are contradicting themselves. How can I be grateful but think it's not fair? How do I express that I feel loved, that I feel gratitude for the husband who loves me enough to rip my walls apart in order to make our electrical safe, but at the same time express that I am tired of the chaos in life. That I long, yearn even, for a time of peace. That while I am so infinitely thankful to the God who has spared my sons, one from his heart, and one from so far coming into contact with something dangerous to him, I am also just begging him for a time of recovery? A time of 'summer' shall we say, where I can rest in the warmth of the suns rays, a time when the cold slush of winter will no longer penetrate my bones.

I hesitate to call it ingratitude, but more a real and very pure weariness that has overcome me.